Looking for the Magic to happen again!

How funny it is, that one song, one book, one movie, or even a small Facebook detail, which apparently you forgot to delete along with that person, the photos and all that check-ins you had put with him can bring back a lot of memories!!

Today, while checking my Facebook account, I had a random thought of checking what my profile looks like and edit if required.

I click on "About" and see a lot of options listed on the left hand side and start checking them one by one. First, I clicked on "Details about You" and edited the "About you" section making it short, crisp and to the point.

Followed by, the contact details, Family and relationships, and later I click on "Life Events" and wonder, "Huh, nothing memorable so far in the year 2017! Better make some remarkable moments in coming 6-7 months".

While scrolling the listed events, I came across one such detail, which made me glare at the screen blankly and I turned all pale.

The Life Event said - Met "him" for the first time in 2011 and a week later, he proposed.

"6 years? has that been that long?" I wondered!

6 years ago I came across a guy who was near perfect-like for me and we had a perfect chemistry. It was all fun and talks and bamm!! 2 years 2 months later, he simply called me 1 fine evening and said, "I am going abroad, don't wait for me. It's over between us. Don't contact me, and please forget me."

Since that was my first relationship where I was as much as in love as much as he was, I felt broken inside. A feeling of dismay.

I asked him where abroad and when would he return, to which he said, "No idea when I would return. I am going with some friends, and it would be better if you just don't ask more questions. Because, now, I don't have to answer you at all."

Apparently, thanks to one of his "friend" who had put a check-in on Facebook, travelling to Bangkok, tastefully avoiding to tag him in there.

"Hmmm... Bangkok... That's not even close to abroad" I thought to myself.

So, he had gone Bangkok with his friends and I could see few check-ins and photos and he seemed really happy in those posted photos.

Obviously like a 'hopelessly in love' girl, I called him - which by the way he ignored, sent him messages - which were "read" yet not replied, and stalked him - but there were no "specific" photos/check-ins which would make me feel he is enjoying.

Evidently, maybe he wanted to get those famous massages or get laid and hence might have broken up with me, I thought. But to get a massage is still fine, but hey! if you want to have some action, you do have a girlfriend (or should I say, had?)!

It was a few days before Diwali 2013 that he had called to break up with me and it was by far the worst Diwali in my life. I cried all day, didn't feel like celebrating with friends and family, fought with my then best friend, had suicidal thoughts, and yes, even though I had a Master's degree in Information Technology, was still - jobless!

In March 2014, suddenly he called me and asked if I would like to join him and his friend and go to Lonavala. I jumped in sheer joy and said yes without any second thoughts.

You see, that's how, love takes plays with you and the heart empowers your brain and suddenly you stop thinking logically!

Since it was a night stay, I had to lie to my mom that I am going to stay over at a friend's house. I left my home with butterflies in stomach and hope in heart that maybe he wants us to be back together.

We drove past the roads and reached Lonavala, bought couple bottles of drinks and checked-in to this 5 star hotel, which was fabulous!

I and this friend of his (female, who is like his sister and the same one's whose name I had told I am going for a night stay) had a lot fun; clicked photos, had a nice long talk in Jacuzzi and giggled when we were a bit tipsy. She even offered to talk to him once we were back to Mumbai.

Post dinner, all of us had to sleep in 1 King-size bed and hence I was asked to sleep in middle with both of them on either sides of me.

It was cold (given the AC temperature) and as night got darker, it kept getting colder.

I tried to hug him and snuggle, but he did not touch me at all. Confused and irritated, I decided to sleep on the Wing Chair.

I could not sleep for hours, thinking what was all this about?

First he calls me for this night-out and now, he is not even talking to or holding me while sleeping? He has started to smoke again? What is he up-to? Is this something he wants to see if I have "changed" or something? Or just wanted to make it obvious, that I am never going to fit in his "modern" world? WHAT!?!?

We decided to leave around 11 am post a heavy breakfast and some more photos. He and his friend came all the way to drop me home, had a chit-chat with my mom for a good hour and left for their homes.

I never heard back from him, ever!

Crushing down and cursing myself to even think there was a slightest possibility, I cried myself till eyes got swollen, deleted all our photos, unfriend him from Facebook, deleted all the contact numbers and even stopped talking to anyone who was even slightly related to him.

It been almost 3 and a half years when he broke up, without telling me the reason.

Its heart breaking when someone leaves you without even telling you why did they choose to do so!

All these years, it has been very difficult for me to trust anyone in my life. Now when some guy says he loves me, I shrug and say, "sure" or at the worst "Haha, nice one! Thank you".

I did try to get in a relationship a year ago, and when things started to get a little stable, I backed off! No, not because the guy was not great or I did not trust him (he was great!), but because, I didn't want to get rejected again or even worse, him leaving me without saying anything!

That feeling is still there, frightening me every time when someone says those 3 word(It should be "magical" but for me, they are scary).

I don't get by scared commitment. I don't fear a stable relationship. But what terrors me is what if after all I have given or felt leaves me one fine day without a reason?

One person can have so much impact on life, is funny and scary at the same time. I may have moved on from that "relationship" (or got over him), but that chill thrill which runs down the spine when some says "I love you" is hard to get over with!

Maybe some lessons learnt a wrong way are hard to forget. Maybe the love you gave away to someone, genuinely, is hard to give for someone else. Maybe some people are meant to come in your life only to go away. Forever!

There would be someone made for me, who'd help me having faith in love and relationships and the bond and would know I am mess as a person but would heal me, console me, love me and calm down the storms within - but frankly, I don't know if and where he is?

Ironically, today it's his birthday and I wanted to send him a Birthday message on Facebook and a few seconds later, I find myself in the "about" section of his profile and can see the only 2 life events, both mine!

He has now moved on, happily with his 2nd or 3rd or nth girlfriend, with their pictures being kept as Display Picture on Whatsapp, and her I am listening to the song he had 1st sung to me - I love you till the end, waiting for a Magic to happen again!